Jean~ Blood Moon- Chapter 1
Chapter 1~ Introduction (please give comments! especially mr wan!!)
My aunt is always telling me what not to do.
And I have totally no idea why.
Besides, almost every other human does it. Unless I’m not human.
Like going out in the hot sun, when it’s boiling outside. My aunt would totally ground me if I went out in the sun, even if I was going to school. And it’s not like I would just crumble to dust when I’m exposed to sunlight. It’s just ridiculous.
My aunt also makes me drink this weird red stuff. I didn’t even know what it was and she never told me either. It tastes kind of salty and it has an awful aftertaste. Like iron or some kind of metal. But Aunt says that it’s a kind of supplement or medicine or something like that.
Anyway I don’t get it. I’m not sick, or physically weak, so I don’t understand why I have to take that awful red stuff.
Sometimes I even wonder if my aunt is hiding something fro me. Like where my parents have gone. She keeps telling me about the car accident in which my parents were killed and how there was no news of them afterwards, but the way she told it to me was as if she was lying.
I don’t even know if I have any siblings. I have always supposed that I was an only child.
The worst part is that my aunt always goes off somewhere and makes an excuse that she wants to go to the market or something, but all I ever see her bring back is another large bottle of the red stuff.
Ugh. Every time I think of it, it gives me the creeps.
I don’t even eat much myself. In fact the only foodstuff I’ve ever taken is that red thing.
I don’t even know what chicken tastes like. My aunt doesn’t eat either. She takes the same red stuff she makes me drink.
It’s weird how it all relates to me. I don’t see the other kids drinking red stuff or staying out of the sun. Something is so wrong with me and my aunt. We’re different.
My name is Rukia Haruka. I am nineteen years old and I am just going to transfer to my new school, Tokyo High.
I could feel the hundreds, maybe even thousands of students’ eyes drilling into me as I walked slowly down the corridor. They were staring at my eyes. Some of them even asked if they were contact lenses but I shook my head no. All the nineteen years of my life my sense of sight has remained completely flawless.
But I had always known that my eyes flamed bright orange as if I had been watching a massive explosion before me and the reflection of the scene casted onto my irises.
I tried to avoid the amount of murmurings that aroused in the hallway and pushed my classroom door open.
All the students had their gazes on me. Their eyes were fixed on my fiery pupils.
The teacher, Sensei Kakeda, glanced at me and checked with me if I was supposed to be in his class. I pulled out a document from my pocket that said which class I was supposed to go to and the seat I was assigned to. After looking through the sheet of paper, Sensei gestured to a seat three rows from the teacher’s desk and told me to sit there.
I slid in beside a tall girl with long blond curls that cascaded down her shoulders like a golden waterfall. Her hair looked so well-brushed that it shone in the gleam of the fluorescent lights above. She wore a branded leather cardigan and black jeans. Buckled stilettos adorned her long legs and feet. I couldn’t keep my eyes off her expensive appearance.
She flashed a warm welcoming smile at me.
“Hi, I’m Keiko. She’s my sister, so I hope you don’t mind my expensive appearance.”
She pointed to the girl sitting behind her.
I turned behind to look and I recognized who Keiko was referring to at once. She was Miyuki, the famous teen pop sensation who debuted two years ago and she was also dressed in designer clothes.
Miyuki grinned at me.
“Hi. You can call me Yuki. I hope you are able to adjust to the environment here at Tokyo High soon.”
“Uh… Thanks.” I stuttered. I wasn’t crazy about Miyuki unlike normal girls would be,
because I had enough issues about my difference with other people to worry about.
I was still trying to wake up to the real reality. Miyuki. Her family. And me.
Abnormal, different me.
Keiko watched my flaming irises.
“Nice contacts.”
I frowned a little. “They’re not contacts.”
“Oh. Nice, um… eye colour then.”
posted by 6 Honesty at 10:30 PM
10 Comments:
STOP SAYING RED STUFF!!! :)
Oh, when you're nineteen, you're no longer in high sch, its called university, baby!
oh i only say 'red stuff' cuz the character isn't exactly sure of the thing her aunt makes her drink.
anyways, whadaya want me to put, red GOOB? hehes
I find the school part better.
The first part was a little too nonchalant. There was no care to the red liquid consumed. Gives the reader a very negative impression of the character.
Try to capture the readers' interests.
lol. how very twilight of you
Why not provide constructive feedback and tell Jean how she could improve?
Firstly, give your aunt a name, addressing her as "my aunt" throughout the story meant she does not play a key role in your story. I thought she'd make a great character in your story.
To maintain "my respect for my aunt" and lessen "my complaining nature that might upset some readers", this is how I'd have written the fifth and sixth paragraph:
Wherever the sun's rays showered, my presence would be forbidden. Such was the strict instructions passed down by (Aunt's name) that annoyed me and impounded my social circle.
As the red and salty viscous liquid trickled down my gullet, I pondered about the health effects (Aunt's name) mentioned it would bring me. It appeared even less convincing as the aftertaste in my mouth lingered for what it seemed like eternity.
The fact that (Aunt's name) would not tell me what it was and my obvious pink state of health summed up my frustrations that had to be withheld out of my respect for (Aunt's name).
The above modifications made the character easier to be accepted by readers.
but her aunt is not "evil" euu know. just concerned. And she does not nag all day. P.S. I've already written it until chapter 10, so there's not really much of a point modifying it now. I've already given a name for the aunt. :) no offense :P
ooo o.o
well alicia how is it? is it nice or nt? pls say smth
cant beliveve you posted this on the class blog! nice one mr.wan!
woo hoo :)
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